Thursday, February 18, 2010
my depraved, deprived youth
of all the plastic baubles and useless, deranged toys that were marketed to my generation i wanted nothing more than a little beaked creature called a furby. but i was secretive in my throbbing desire complaining to my playmates that they were "dumb" and "ugly" and "stupid". my plan was to throw them off course so that when they left to go get a box of juice or something i could grab their furry monster and shove it into my back pack. i would have to disguise it as an overgrown barbie with a genetic disorder when i got home though because they were the pariah of my village. my entire lineage condemned the things and i went right along with them. but then a few years later, to my absolute confusion my parents bestowed this beauty upon my sister:
robo baby 3000. an amalgamation of bizarrely tinted metal looking plastic who had the soul of a needy, self centered brat. it was all wires and computer chips but i was convinced it was the embodiment of evil. my sister tired of it quickly, shoving it in her underwear drawer to try and silence it's mechanical cries. but i dared not say anything to my parents about the inequality that was so abound. they bought my sister this hideous and creepy "toy" because she had begged for it, despite them thinking it was "ugly" and "dumb" and "stupid". then i remembered why i couldn't say anything. i had never asked for my coveted furby but rather made fun of it and any kid who was in possession of one. they had no idea the lust and torment i had endured for the sake of that thing. the robo baby became the victim of my frustrations as i tried to snap its neck off its body and dismember its limbs. it wouldn't die though. so i threw it against the wall hoping to abuse it into submission. no luck; the beast wouldn't stop wailing for food and comfort. i think it ended up intact but in the trashcan to be whisked away to a paradisiac landfill. the problem was at four i was already exhibiting the tendencies of an elitist teenager, aligning myself with brands i deemed better than average and shunning those my peers embraced. but really, i just wanted a furby. and i wanted this rubber lifeform too:
never got that one either because i said it was "dumb" but also because it started munching on kid's hair and ripping their scalps off.