i went to sleep just before the sun came up and my feet didn't touch the ground again till it was well past dark. i feel light headed and shrivelly because i haven't eaten or drank anything since the dinner i made 24 hours ago. but my numbing lethargy and weakened mind are an equal trade for the dream i got to have. every time i exited deep sleep into some kind of hazy twilight i forced myself back into slumber just so it would keep going.
it started with a trek across a rickety and splintered bridge, but i felt secure the entire time. then once we got to a mass of land a steady incline turned into an almost vertical mountain face that we/i had to scale. i turned around and announced no, i can't and i won't. i was embarassed. but i turned around and saw people i knew, people i respected climbing with difficulty but with effort. so i braced myself with the chain railing and climbed. but once we got to the top everything disappeared and i felt a little defeated that i couldn't look down at the surface i had conquered. but i remembered why we had climbed. we were all going to a sort of scientific gathering. and by the word "we", i mean every single person i have ever met in my life. to get to the community of barracks and mess halls there was a right of passage which was a miniature house where i had to scoot on my stomach like a slug past the tiny doors. i felt so cramped and i wondered what it would be like to live in a place like this for all of eternity, never being able to really touch another person or roll over onto my back. i saw my laptop on a shelf but i decided it would be too much effort to get out of the house with it so i abandoned it. there was a wooden door at the end of the hall but i was sick of the impossibly tiny width and with luck, a new larger one materialized to my right. i knew it wasn't the "right" door but i felt a brief burst of fuck-the-rules-and-the-man-and-this-dwarf-house-mentality and i felt liberated when i opened it and wormed my way out onto grass and mud in a courtyard with black and white clad servers. i stood up and stretched my spine up to the sky and looked for a way back to the correct path. i opened a gate but i only got to a bar where bartenders were mixing up potent libations for a mystery party. "oops" i said out loud and smiled at the lot of them. i found the gate's twin and found myself back with civilization, in it's roughest sense. i thought there was supposed to be an orientation or something but instead there was a parking lot set up like the drive in of the outsiders but with no movie playing. people were in their cars eating and laughing and i found one with my friends in it. but i realized i couldn't sit with them, i didn't want to face her. i walked away, but i heard her make a catty comment so i turned around and forced myself into the car which was already at capacity. i yelled and i insulted until i saw tears come to her eyes which was what i wanted. i wanted to make sure she was a human being. with her tears, my mouth started to quiver and we both agreed to change the desolate future we had manufactured. free, again i thought. then we were all inside a massive white room where food was being served but all i wanted was a cardboard cup filled with murky fruit juice. i knew they would ask why i wasn't eating but the food looked sloppy and bland and i couldn't, just couldn't. so i got up to look at the buffet with no intention of filling a plate but to feign the actions of the normal people around me. then i saw someone i knew, and i said hello. i thought she might like my ethereal look for the day, maybe compliment me but she said nothing. she is one of them i thought, one of the scared people like the rest of us. i felt free for the countless time from my own petty conventions. i went back to our table and said the things i was actually thinking and it was so nice. that's all i remember.
*disclaimer: i watched holy mountain a few days ago. may have led to this dream.